I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
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genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.