Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Never be a pizza!
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”