i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
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I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win