I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
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The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works