When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
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waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
True
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Crying is a sign of leakness.