@robyn_vo: I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
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@PAT_E_ROCK: BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
@Home_Halfway: [Starbucks meeting] ME: Sorry I'm "latte" haha BOSS: Aren't you the guy we fired for biting a customer
@Vice_Queen: Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
@trouteyes: BREAKING: A man who took British Airways to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.