@robyn_vo: I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
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@AmberTozer: Friend: Look on the bright side Me: [walks away] Friend: Where are you going Me: To talk to someone who doesn't say shit like that
@doktorj: *lies down on waxing table Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
@causticbob: A man has been jailed for forging banknotes. He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.