I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
You Might Also Like
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.