I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
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2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me