@Black__Elvis: I was a bit upset that the condom I found in my wallet had expired but at the end of the day I'm just glad my wallet practices safe sex.
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@VerifiedJayy: My son: do kids that get bullied go to college? Me: no they go to the police academy
@moose_chocolate: "Sobbing" autocorrected to "throbbing" and now my attempt at showing my sensitive side has taken a very different direction.
@redherringbear: If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you're just diluting yourself.
@ShittyComedian: So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn't Santa. LOL drugs.