I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
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I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ