I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
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My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
taking June’s advice to heart
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Rt to bother an English speaker