@JonasPolsky: I was about to commit suicide, but then a Nicki Minaj song came on the radio -- so I committed suicide twice.
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@0point5twins: In phone books, "assisted living" is next to "assassin", so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to 'take care of grandma'.
@spotswoj: Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as 'supper' so obviously it wasn't going to work out in the end.
@RapeyRaperton: When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear "tip to tip" and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
@HockeyGoddess24: I have the bible on my iPod (stop laughing!) and it just had an update. Now I'm really confused .....