@JonasPolsky: I was about to commit suicide, but then a Nicki Minaj song came on the radio -- so I committed suicide twice.
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@CoatCzech: Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons? Her: Will there be children dining today? Me: No. The crayons are for me.
@Home_Halfway: Sometimes I'll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell "THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!" until I'm kicked out
@OtherDanOBrien: [Lady is being robbed] "Help, Social Media Man!" [Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]