@JonasPolsky: I was about to commit suicide, but then a Nicki Minaj song came on the radio -- so I committed suicide twice.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@mattZillaaaa: I was really upset today but then a friend said "don't be upset" so now I'm not upset anymore
@KentWGraham: If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
@LeBearGirdle: Friend: just be yourself. Me: Be myself? Be myself?! Some of the most successful people I know aren't myself. That's horrible advice
@Vodkantots: If he doesn't return your texts, it's because he's busy leaving his wife for you. Obviously.