Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
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I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
$3 #books
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
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