I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
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Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.