Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
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Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.