I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
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This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.