i was baptized in a car wash
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Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Breaking news:
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
I’m having an out of money experience.