@shariv67: I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
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@sara_ashlynn: Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
@ericsshadow: My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment 'our love is priceless' for under $75?
@PJTLynch: Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman... Batman: Yes, she's a thief, but- A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!