I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
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[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
🙋♀️
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.