@shariv67: I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
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@_Kim_Jongun: I hired a PR team. They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people. I executed the PR team.
@squirrel74wkgn: If my wife comes to bed nude it's ON, but when it's me at the end of the bed naked she's all "what are you doin, we're at Mattress City."
@grammar_c**t: Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?nnCos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
@lovejulieacafe: I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday. I replied asking them to call her because she can't read.