I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
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[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
respect
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet