I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
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Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.