@TheAlexNevil: I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
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@shadygrenade: "Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she's not herself." *grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
@MartaEffing: [first date] Me: *sees he owns a cat* Him: Are you a cat or a dog person? Me: *maintains eye contact* *pushes cat off the table* *leaves*
@electrolemon: "let's put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let's go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars" - cops
@duplicitron: Well it took forever but I just paid the pizza guy entirely with the quarters I found behind his ears.