I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
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At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Confused owl: What?!
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice