Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
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People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.