@ComedicBust: I was excited when my GF asked me to dress up as the cable guy, until I spent the next 3 hours on the roof, trying to fix the satellite dish
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@niks27_shah: I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said "WHERE ?"
@tchrquotes: 6yo:You can't eat chips before dinner! Me:YOU can't. I'm a grown man. I do what I want. *Wife walks in*: What's that? Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
@Izianikapani: If the US admits that Trump's presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
@capricecrane: I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.