My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
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QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Mountain Goat : )
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
The glory of fall.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.