I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
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Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
The struggle is real.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.