I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
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Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.