I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
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Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
These are too funny not to post 😂
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Guy who likes music
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?