@TheBoydP: I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
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@QwertyJones3: WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don't you leaf.
@mattingebretson: I hate when a grocery clerk judges you for what you put on the checkout belt. I found that dead cat behind YOUR store & now I want to buy it
@NintenDom: My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
@notacroc: [at a bar] CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster