I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
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One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two