I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
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If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.