I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
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I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP