3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
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[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Baller is short for ballerina
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?