I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
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My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Breaking news:
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
The A string on my guit_r is flat
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.