I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
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Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches