“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
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me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
My life in a nutshell
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)