@liv_thatsme: I was gonna go to a New Year's Eve party, but the invite said "bring your significant other," & I don't feel like unhooking my TV.
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@jordan_stratton: Note to Self: In future interviews, don't say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
@KeetPotato: [rookie undercover] *walks up to dealer* "yo you a cop" um no "hmm ok what you want" EIGHT COCAINES PLEASE *gives thumbs up to chief in car*
@LoveNLunchmeat: When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
@tastefactory: [robbers outside bank] When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks "But can't u feel your pores really opening up?"