I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
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*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Is anyone gonna tell them?
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.