I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
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Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
I bet
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
catch me on valentine’s day like
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit