I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
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I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?