Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
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Genius idea!!
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod