I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
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the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45