@ShittyComedian: I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
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@TheWadest: Somewhere, a ninja watches "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant." An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. "Damn right you didn't."
@Elizasoul80: Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people's carts when they're not looking.
@JelianMercado: Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”