I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
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Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.