I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
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How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
What’s so funny?
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
ugh not again
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.