“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
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Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.