I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
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911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit