My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
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Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
checking out some reviews of my local library
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
You deplete me
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break