@KKAlThani: I was in a good mood when suddenly twitter went down & I ran over a blind man, tasered a baby, killed a puppy & set myself on fire.
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@tiffinysawyers: Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I'm available.
@kumailn: Did you know: Wi-Fi is short for "wireless fireless." Pre-wi-fi all internet was fire based. Firewall, firewire, "fire up the computer" etc.
@noog: I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
@TheHyyyype: [paying at chipotle] ME: i got a burrito CLERK: that'll be ten dollars ME: with guac CLERK: that'll be ten thousand dollars