If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
You Might Also Like
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Yep.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.