wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
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I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.