I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
You Might Also Like
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Are you ok, human???
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse