i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
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*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
The French cow says MEUX…
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Sunday
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
my fav colour is also hitler
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.