@AnkCoupleTO: I was in the mood for nuts this morning so I chased a squirrel for 3 miles and the little prick led me right to his stash, yum!
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@vikkaroni: Job interview HR: What's your best asset? Me: I have an excellent memory. HR: Give me an example. Me: Of what?
@rage_chaos: "LSD Makes Users Lose Weight" That makes sense. It's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it.
@PaperWash: [while titanic is sinking] me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can't believe no one is eating these lol
@underchilde: Today we’ll be discussing near-death experiences and why not to talk to your girlfriend about weight gain.