People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
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CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.