I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
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The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
she has a point
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
oh you wanna fight?!
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?