I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
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At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Left at a local drug store…
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”