I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
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me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”