I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
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some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Mmmm. Shoeshi
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees