@gabemakesmusic: I was kicked out of karate class today for describing everything the instructor did as "senseitational"
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@iwearaonesie: *wife offers me a sip of her water* m: Am I gonna catch what you have? w: No m: w: m: Are you sur- w: You're not going to get my period!
@KeetPotato: [uses my last wish to be reincarnated as a bird] me: [as my dad vomits directly in my mouth] "i did not think this through"
@iTomFoolery: Tatum is Latin for potato. Channing is from ancient times when someone brilliant was “The Chan”. So Channing Tatum is a brilliant potato.
@TheIronSherk: Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it's time to get some groceries.