Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
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My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…