I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
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Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.